It’s bad enough that the new iPad causes people to burn their hands, threatens to destroy its own battery in a shower of hot lithium if you leave it plugged in overnight, makes images on the web look terrible, and consumes all of your data faster than you can say “not compatible with Australia’s 4G network.” Those are all serious issues that every potential iPad owner must face, but it gets worse. According to research from proctologist Dr. Rodrigo Fulano, announced today, using the iPad may cause you to develop hemorrhoids.
“We’ve known for a while that sitting on a Western-style ‘throne’ toilet for excessive lengths of time can lead to hemorrhoids,” Dr. Fulano says. “But iPad usage accelerates the process. People will sit there as if in a trance, sometimes for as long as half an hour, playing Angry Birds or reading news articles rather than [performing actions appropriate to the setting]. All the while they’re putting incredible strain on veins and arteries that, once inflamed, develop into hemorrhoids.”
Dr. Fulano hasn’t just pulled this supposition out of thin air. His research shows a correlation between the introduction of the original iPad and an explosion in the number of patients suffering from hemorrhoids. He predicts the problem will only get worse with the newest iPad. “Now that the iPad’s display renders text that looks like it’s printed on paper, it means people are going to spend a lot more time reading in the bathroom. Also, the fact that this new iPad is so much heavier than the old one means additional strain on [relevant anatomical areas]. Those two factors put together lead directly to a rise in the incidence of hemorrhoids.”
Inspired by his research, a class action lawsuit has formed demanding compensation for medical bills and “pain and suffering” incurred as a result of excessive iPad use while in the restroom. “Apple knowingly provided its customers with a product that can directly lead to health issues through excessive use,” the suit alleges. “Apple does not warn its users of the consequences of excessive iPad use under certain circumstances, and it should therefore provide compensation to those affected.”
Dr. Fulano has recommendations for how Apple can immediately address “Arsegate.” “Apple should give users the option to erect a ‘geo-fence’ around their bathrooms and issue regular warnings at five minute intervals to prevent excessive iPad usage in that area. It’s a bit ribald, but the old folk wisdom is quite true in this case: people really do need to either [go] or get off the pot.”
Until or unless Apple addresses the problem with a software update, you can easily avoid the consequences of Arsegate by simply leaving the iPad behind when you go to the loo. Although admittedly it can be quite relaxing to have a nice sit n’ read first thing in the morning, the consequences can be dire; over time, the iPad can quite literally become a pain in the arse.