Picture three contestants on Wheel of Fortune who are all Wall Street analysts. They play all the dumb letters first — Z, X, Q, and so forth — and land on “Bankrupt” on almost every spin. Now picture the puzzle they’re trying to solve is, “What will Apple do next?”
Welcome to the world of Apple rumors.
Some analyst spun the Wheel of Fortune and landed on a $330 price tag for a hypothetical “iPhone mini.” I’d like to solve the puzzle: “Analyst crystal ball gazing isn’t newsworthy.”
Gene “Apple HDTV!!” Munster spins the Wheel and lands on $199 for the low-cost iPhone. You’ve got to admire his tenacity considering how many times Munster’s spun and landed on “Lose A Turn.”
Macotakara claims we’ll see a Retina MacBook Air this year. They’ve gotten lucky with their claims in the past, but for the sake of my credit card balance, I sincerely hope they’re wrong this time.
According to a report from Digitimes, something something “journalism” huh?
Obviously this means two things: the next iPhone is due out in mid-year, and Apple is doomed.
Some analyst thinks Apple will start paying higher dividends to shareholders. That will supposedly help Apple get rid of the massive pile of cash it has sitting around that’s otherwise not doing much except being awe-inspiring.
The real news here: Apple’s bringing back slap bracelets. Brace yourself for iPogs in 2014.
A “Taiwan-based research firm” apparently reads the same rumors as the rest of us, because the only new claim here is that Apple will discontinue the iPad 2.
The site responsible for this latest leak has had many positive hits in the past. My gut says this one is probably legitimate.
If the next-gen, full-sized iPad doesn’t look like a giant iPad mini, I’ll be extremely shocked. I imagine these intrepid case makers will be even more shocked, though.
Even Business Insider is skeptical on this one.
“Stop us if you’ve heard this one before — ” stop
“A Wall Street analyst meets with Apple’s management –” STOP
“and comes away more confident about Apple making a cheaper iPhone.” please make it stop
Forbes is on a roll, but unfortunately that roll is, “Worst financial analysis possible regarding the world’s most financially successful company.”
This analyst opened his article with a Mark Twain quote, so I’ll close with one:
“Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”